Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Hey guys, you shouldn't even be here. There is nothing here.
I repeat, do not ever come here again. There is a strange virus attacking whoever who comes here. So stay away from here! Delete my link if you have to.
Left out. That's what I've been feeling these past week. Oh gosh, now I'm going to sound like an emo-freak. That's side effects of watching too much Oprah, I'm telling you. (Now great, I've just become a nutter who's talking to her other "her". I mean "you"....or wait, is it "I"? *throughly confused*)
I don't know why I let it affect me. The fact that they've been going out all week, going to each other's house and playing what-not while I've stuck at home with my computer, TV, mp3 player and Harry Potter And The Order Of Phoenix. (Pretty dreadful companionship, huh). I guess it got to do with the fact that we used to be so close. I mean I accept the fact that people change and friendships change, just that it is still a pretty unresolved issue in my heart. I've tried surrendering this to God and keep telling myself that it doesn't really bother me, but I still bite my lips whenever they blogged about the latest place they go and latest things they do. Or when I'm sitting down there and they just treat the rest of us invisible as they talk about their latest secrets, things the rest of us doesn't have a single clue about (I will rather I do not be with them than to go through that kind of torture.)
You know I've envisioned them in my future 21st birthday party or even my future wedding, all having fun. But now I just don't see them there anymore when I try to imagine my wedding. Scary huh. Friends that you have thought you will share weal and woe even when growing old suddenly become strangers overnight, if not over a long period of time.
It's not a cold shrug-off that I've received. It's not even a torrent of harsh words poured out during a argument. Of course, it's not as dramatic as Harry Potter. But it's a disinterest in my life, a distrust in me, a dislike of being with me and a distance that is happening so slowly that none of us will know until it is over. Except I would have like to be one of those who didn't know.
I wonder what is God trying to say. Is He saying "My dear, all these are temporal. Fix your eyes on Me and I will satisfy you."? Saying "This is to prepare you for better friends coming your way."? Or maybe He is saying "You nutter! You are just over-reacting, over-imagining, over-emotional and over everything! Go and be nice to them and do not be bitter about anything!" (Great Clesias, you've just risen another level of madness -hearing voices that contradict each other.)
Now that my whole social life is in a mess, I'm more worried about starting school. What if I can't fit in? What if I'm doomed to spending school life wandering around school alone? What if I failed to be a good example of Christianity and instead is a fat stumbling block? I haven't even begin to address my fear of failing my exams and waste four years and my parents' money.
And yet I know that God will bring me through. He was the one who convinced my mum (years ago) that she doesn't have to worry because I will surely go to university. And He must be the one who convinced the lady that I signed up for English Lit course when I never ticked English Lit. I may not know what He wants me to do with that path but I trust Him enough to know that it's going to be the best for me.
A friendship that only bubbles over without any real substance maybe wasn't meant to start in the first place?
HEY, WHAT ARE YOU STILL DOING HERE?!
words written on the fallen leaf
12:27 AM
